Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
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