whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
