Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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