You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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