I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
