Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
