I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
