My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
