I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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