i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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