Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I cannot find my penis.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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