Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
