I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
