I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Of course I have a pirate flag
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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