We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
