Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
