i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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