I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
