You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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