I faked an abortion last night.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
