So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
