People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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