Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
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