Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
