I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
