you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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