I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
