and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I didn't notice because vodka
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
