I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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