My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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