I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
