Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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