the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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