Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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