Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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