Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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