it wasn't lemon gatorade
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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