I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I intend to get homeless drunk
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
