Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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