this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
