Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
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