it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
