Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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