Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I looked at my own cervix.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He passed out mid-signature
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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