my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
