Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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