I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
