is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
