Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
