I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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